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The Ordinary Life Of A Chameleon

Oh what a year!

As the end of the year draws near and so I face by 2016 final curtain, I’ve lived a year that’s full I’ve travelled each and every highway, and more much more than this – I definitely did it my way…

like most people  I allow myself the opportunity to sit and reflect on what has been my 2016. The good, the bad, the ugly and most of all what have I learned to take forward into 2017 to make it my best year yet.

This year I have travelled – a lot. Bahamas in January and then Florida for 10 weeks, then Augusta Georgia and back to The Bahamas in April, Spain in June, back to Florida in August right through until December, another little pit stop in Spain and back to the UK just over a week ago.

I have fallen in love – more than once…

That said, I currently do not have a significant love in my life. I fall in love every day with something that life has to offer me or show me, being a lover of life can sometimes lead to disappointment,  I have learned to accept this, which in turn is liberating, not everyone loves life or people the same way as I do, and thats ok.

My soul met another soul it already knew – this was a powerful and emotional happening, and if you haven’t ever encountered it – much like having a 6th sense then you can never understand quite what it feels like, it’s euphoric and terrifying all at the same time. I have never felt anything quite so powerful or beautiful. It has changed the way I feel , changed my connections with people – I have also come to understand just how important “Connection” is to me.

I had it pointed out to me more this year than ever in many lessons that people do not always mean what they say, even if at the time it was said with the best intention and genuinely believed by the person that delivered it verbally, they can still go on to prove that they didn’t mean it – after all actions really do speak louder than words.

On the flip side of that I was re alerted to my distaste for verbal communication of the negative kind, during a break up. I am still and will always be very passionate about the exchange of words good or bad, and words that have the power to hurt and insult leave tiny little scars, not necessarily on me because I can choose to not listen but on the person that delivered them, each time you talk to them or see them you are reminded of their behaviour and the things they have unkindly said to you.

I have lost a job and a future that I thought I had planned……..

Somewhere in all of that I lost my zest for life for a little while too. Having to pause and re set myself, like the midnight clock on December 31st. Starting over fresh and new. I learned that sometimes you have to fall right into that dank, dark and depressing hole to realise how much you dislike it in there, to really want to propel yourself out, once you are out you need that constant reminder of how gross it really is in there to keep you from falling back in.

I have met some truly amazing and inspirational people this year, who I am grateful to have had in my life. I have re covered some old ground – with some old people – which I have learned is not the best thing to do and that sometimes you just have to close the door, once and for all.

I have had the biggest working challenge of my life to date this year and at the same time I had lunch in the Club House at Augusta National (this is a big deal if you are a golfer) – which leads me nicely on to the fact that I tried to get started at golf and wasn’t driven enough in my job or spare time to love it. I chose to take up a dance class  instead, as you know I love to dance – professional ballroom – and I loved every second of until the tuition fees came and it that came to an abrupt halt.

Money, it can be the root of all evil, that said it can give you choices – like being able to go to dance class, or enjoy a weekend with friends. I have no more money this year than I had last year although I owe a little less – well done me.
I learnt to listen – not only more to others but to myself, to really take the time to think and understand my motives, my feelings, my thoughts and not necessarily over analyse them just listen.

Trust – in myself, my journey, my instincts, my spirituality and my intuition, this is something I have listened more to, a skill I have disabled somewhere int he last couple of years, the answers are all there inside of me if I just sit still and calm enough to let them come, we are all guilty of this, of doing too much, too much distraction or being influenced by others, just last week I was told – ” I think it’s time you came back to reality, settled somewhere for a bit and stopped chasing dreams and adventures ” I decided the moment I listen to that and acknowledge it is the moment I give up on my life as I know it and life itself.

I have learned to take one day at a time, 30 seconds at a time even for life is precious and short, it is for living and for expressing gratitude for what we have even when we feel that is very little or insignificant.

So what am I telling myself as I look back one last time …. because after all you can’t walk forwards while looking backwards because you will definitely trip over…

My mantras for New Year….

  • Stay true to yourself.
  • Spread love and happiness even in places and around people of negativity.
  • Express Gratitude and find beauty in something every single day.
  • Don’t plan too far ahead, take joy in the uncertainty and adventure that is coming.
  • Say what you feel and believe in it even if others don’t live by their words.
  • Trust in the power of positivity the universe and your inner self.
  • Make time everyday for self care.
  • Live one day at a time.
  • Continue to be unique.
  • Answer your calling.
  • Be prepared to fall and be disappointed – you cant live and love with such high expectations and such intensity and not expect that too.
  • Live My Life – My Way – whatever and however that may be in 2017.

 

 

 

 

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What is “Happiness?”

Are you Happy? Are the people around you family, colleagues, friends – your partner, are they happy? Have you asked them or yourself?

I recently saw a film that inspired me to write a post on happiness. There were some interesting quotes I felt compelled to write down and share.

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Happiness is feeling completely alive

This particular quote comes after a scene in the film where the subject has a near death experience. On realising he is alive he is overcome with happiness – why do we forget to feel this everyday – that every day we can allow ourselves to feel happy one because we are alive and two because we are able to feel “completely alive”. Do something today/tomorrow, that makes you feel completely alive and feel the happiness.

Happiness is being loved for who you are

Isn’t this the truth? – self expression and being free to be who you are and be loved for that. Many people still quieten themselves down to fit into certain situations or if your like me you can be a chameleon and adapt – but who are you really and truthfully? Do you express that fully and are you in return loved for that?

Avoiding unhappiness is not the road to happiness

I have been particularly guilty of this one – running away to avoid unhappiness. Ignoring the bigger problem the thing that’s making you unhappy – at some point you have to stand up and face it, feel it – own it because how ever many roads you go down inevitable you will end up back on the same one.

Happiness is answering your calling

Do you do something in life that you are proud of? – Do you volunteer in something that brings you a fulfilment that money could not? Is being a parent your calling? What was your life work destined to be? This quote raises lots of thought provoking questions to me, have a think about it.

Fear is an impediment to happiness

Fear. It’s a powerful feeling – it is just a feeling – and we must remember that, never the less being fearful can most definitely impede your route to happiness. Much of the time we are scared of life – scared to make a change, take a risk, push ourselves outside of our comfort zones. I know I have been in a place where I have been unhappy because I have been scared to change or find another way to change what is fundamentally making me unhappy.

FEAR –   eel  – mbrace  – ction  – eclaim your happiness

We should concern ourselves not so much with he pursuit of happiness

but the happiness of the pursuit

I love this final quote – Life is a blessing – every single day.

Life is not about the destination but the journey. To feel and truly appreciate happiness we need to have felt sadness and unhappiness – and that’s ok.

So take the time today to assess your levels of happiness and consider those around you, Happiness is also a feeling – and one that we are fully in the capability of feeling.

 

 

 

 

Wild Horses

Have you ever wondered right outside the box that restrains your thoughts? To a spiritual place to find out more about yourself? Around this time last year – I had an epiphany. A light bulb moment, a realisation that came from somewhere deep – spiritual almost. I was sat pondering the question – who I am I?

Not the clothes I choose to wear, the way I style my hair, the experience that male me the person I have become but inside – my soul, my spirit and I was trying to place myself in the spirit of something that resonated with me when it it came to me – I am a wild horse.

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My spirit – the soul that lives inside of me is likened to a wild horse. I have this distinct need and desire often to run into an open space – or down a beach and feel the wind in my hair – buck, rear, gallop until I run completely out of steam, fly and be free.

until there comes a time when at some point I feel I need someone to come out to me – walk towards me and lead me home,  To be nurtured, loved and feel secure – but knowing that soon enough I will have the desire to gallop into the wind again. This is me home.

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I then got to thinking what do I do with that how is this relevant well perhaps I need one of two things – another spirit that is happy to let me run and collect me when I need it and be loving and nurturing and receive that wholeheartedly in return, or I need to find another wild horse.My mum is a spiritual lady with a huge talent – she analysed my thoughts and said

“maybe you need a foal” – lol

Who knows, one thing I do know that this strong, beautiful, powerful, flighty spirit lives within me and recognising it is somehow soul satisfying.

 

 

Drowning – In Debt

Debt

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Horrible isn’t it ? It isn’t a word anyone likes to have, feel, hear or belong to. I have it, I have felt it and I belonged to it for a significant amount of time – and now it belongs to me…

Me and many others – Millennials perhaps more than any other group of people we are not alone.

I recently read Russell brand’s latest book – Revolution ( I can recommend it). He very bravely states that governments could end personal debt – thats a huge statement right there and the book needs reading to understand – he’s not suggesting we print money willy nilly and pay everyones mortgages off no – but that people in dire straits of personal debt and struggling to make their way out of it needn’t be. There are a few shocking statistics in that book – perhaps the one that stuck with me the most was that

80 of the words richest people – have a combined wealth of more than 3.4 BILLION people!

Read that again….. let it sit and digest it for a moment –  it’s almost disgusting.

I decided at the beginning of this year to do the dreaded thing – add it all up – all of my credit cards I have been shifting around for the last few years – add them up and see where I’m at –  £23,000. There I said it – out loud – online, to the world £23,000.

To me that’s a lot of money – it’s more than one years salary, and I have nothing to tangibly put in front of you to say see I bought this…. I haven’t gone on mad shopping sprees and bough outlandishly expensive bags/shoes, holidays.

I have been a bit of a life junkie, (I still am) – I have spent money on moments, experiences, making memories – taking chances, that they might lead somewhere – a job – a relationship – a wedding! All of those things cumulated in this figure that was sat staring at me in January of this year as cold as grey and depressing as the weather.

Depressing – Yes absolutely,

It became like a weight on my shoulders around my neck – a literal pain in my neck – living in the present to pay for the past. I always managed to make the payments but they were so large I knew something had to give. It consumed me, I blamed it for not being able to move forward in life, make plans, get somewhere.

Acknowledgement and asking for help – In life we need to acknowledge the root of our stress and then ask for help – no one has to face stress and worry alone it really is that easy to take the first step.

There is always a way out.

There is always someone to talk to. I reached out to a couple of friends I could trust and the weight lifted a little, not least because one of my friends was in double the amount of debt as me and had decided to go IVA (not a decision anyone should take lightly but she had no theory option and it worked out great for her).

I sat and thought about it – read lots of advice on debt – avenues of help, solutions short/long term and I came to my own decision – I can do this! I made the decision to wholeheartedly control my stress and the affect this weight around my neck has –

Short term pain for long term gain.

I decided the most important thing to me was to reduce that number – however I could. That was the primary goal and whatever I could do to make that happen would be what I would do – work three jobs – I though about that – but – I might get half way through and collapse – there has to be an element of balance in this – I still have to live and be sane at the end of it otherwise really I’m no better off than slowly drowning.

Eager to do more than tread water and keep my head above the surface I decided it was time to kick my way out. I gave up my rented apartment – (at the time my only sanity considering everything else going on in my life and definitely the hardest thing to give up) and moved in with a friend and her fiancé. I sold a large proportion of my “stuff” and I sold my beloved car. I reduced my spending on experiences and spent more time taking in the things that are free – walking on the beach – sitting – talking, soul nurturing experiences with friends and family.

I learnt to cook and feed myself with nutritious well balanced meals for £30 a week. I gave up the gym and made my own workout routine, I stopped buying anything new to wear and breathed life into old items I hadn’t worn for ages.

I made sacrifices but allowed myself a treat.

That said I also made an agreement with myself – that for the amount I paid of my credit cards every month – at this point £700 – I would take 10% of it back and do something nice for myself – because there has to be balance – even in paying back debt.

Fast forward 12 months….

At the end of this year – I will have paid £12,000 off my debt – in 12 months.

It has been hard.

Very hard – I didn’t go down the route of borrowing any more money, I couldn’t get any from financial institutions and had no friends or family to ask with that kind of money and I didn’t want to declare myself insolvent or bankrupt or have a debt payment plan – I was able to find a way to knuckle down and figure it out. – I sometimes wonder if I am the stupid one as my friends have paid less than me when they had more debt, but our circumstances were and are so different and I chose what was right for me.

I know I am not alone – I know there are people with more and less of a number than I have – and each person is different and each set of circumstances unique and each stress level varied. I guess what I wanted to express in this post was that there is always a way out – ask for help, friends – family, professionals. Deal with your debt – don’t let it deal with you.

I am grateful for my debt – firstly because it has enabled me to take chances – live life and follow dreams and adventures – secondly because it has taught me so many lessons.

Here are some useful links on services available for debt advice:

UK 

Citizens Advice – https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/help-with-debt/

Money saving Expert – http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-solutions

Government Solutions – https://www.gov.uk/options-for-paying-off-your-debts/overview

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s wrong with being Bridget Jones?

I am 35 – Have I have turned into Bridget Jones? – Today would have been the perfect day for me to be sat in my pjamas with a bottle of rum ( I don’t like vodka) smashing out a drunken version of “Allllll Byyy Myyyseeeelllllllf” don’t  wanna be all by myself ANYMOOOORRRRRRREEEEEEEE!

Loneliness

Today has been a lonely day – I’ve done some great things today but it’s been one of those days where everywhere I look I see love – in families, couples and friendships and I currently feel a lack of love. I am away from my family and friends and the love I want and desire so much in a relationship isn’t currently available to me and I won’t settle for less so I settle for loneliness – geez – get the violins out….

 I happen to “love” Love.

I’m trying to think of this as a period of self soothing – like when you have to leave a baby to cry and soothe itself instead of picking it up all the time – I need to do this get through this – I am a confident independent woman! I wanted some time alone some time to fully understand who I am, how long should that take? Does anyone know?

I have been through the situations where I don’t feel like I fit anymore – newly married friends, consumed and overjoyed with happiness and babies. I’ve felt lonely in a room of people I love and care about – I’m Bridget and I need another Bridget – or a Mark Darcy or a Daniel Cleaver for that matter – right now either might bring some temporary relief.

Seriously though – why does society make us feel inadequate if we are single and independent at 35. Like we surely can’t want to be that way, why would we that’s ridiculous … Is it?

Currently apart from the pangs of loneliness, neediness and sheer lack of human touch – there are a lot of benefits to being Bridget, I come and go as I please, I don’t have to tidy up after anyone, I don’t have to be anywhere at any given time, I’m travelling around seeing new places, looking for new adventures.  I can spend all day on the sofa with a movie or in a coffee shop writing, taking a walk on the beach, hey if I wanted I could probably go on a date or two – but let’s say I don’t want that…. I am seriously that unusual?

Apparently there’s everything wrong with being Bridget Jones…

I met a man once, an older English Gentleman when I was working on a small caribbean Island. I had left my husband and ran away there to allow his broken heart to heal and to try and repair my own. Engulfed in the trauma of it all, lost, grieving, and numb I find myself sitting at my bar ( I was the manager) and this man started a conversation with me.

“What are you doing here?”

Me – ” I run this place, I am the manager”

“Yes I know that but what are you doing here all this way from home on this time island”

” Look around you it’s beautiful, the blue water, the people why wouldn’t I be here”

“You’re never going to meet anyone here”

” I don’t want anyone Im not looking to meet anyone thats not why Im here”

“Of course you do, everyone does, and you won’t meet anyone here”

” I dont, I’m managing fine just as I am here in this beautiful place”

“You know what they say about women like you? Women who don’t get married ad have children”

” I dont no please go ahead”

( wait for it here was his finale……)

“When you die on your headstone it will be engraved with – Returned unopened”

I process this for a millisecond whilst being flabbergasted by the sheer ignorance of the person speaking these words, what an unkind thing to say to someone, what a narrow-minded, judgemental, insular view of the world this man must have, and he continues….

“and I’ll tell you another thing” (he mouths the word “Black” in this sentence – on holiday on a predominately Black populated island) if you marry a Black person it won’t work, my son is with a Black girl – mixed race couples don’t work”

(in my head WOW)

“I’m telling you your parents won’t like it”

” Sir my parents couldn’t care less if the man I married was Black, Green, Blue, Pink or purple. Have a nice day”

Needless to say I didn’t engage in any further conversation with this man, I didn’t lose my temper at his insult nor did I retaliate, I felt an overwhelming sadness for his perception of life, humanity, his lack of understanding, his closed mindedness and sheer ignorance.

The same week a girl I met on the island in a similar conversation told me I would meet my husband in the islands, her and her friend met theirs while on holiday there and she patted me on the leg in a patronising, humiliating way, while saying ” It’s gonna happen for you” She felt so sorry for me because how could I possibly be single at my age?

Me again – Wow

On neither of these occasions did either of these people have any kind of idea that I was going through the biggest break up of my life having left my husband and life partner of 12 years – never did it enter into their tiny narrow minded brains that my heart was breaking and I was trying to find myself not a man. Never was there such bad assumptions made and acted upon in my presence.

Everyone has a story, perhaps in the end all we all really want is Love – just to love and be loved in return, but there will also be times when we need to find out who we are – without love – because that is the biggest lesson of all.

Powerful Words

Words…Powerful Words

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I sit here and I type them – words – they roll along the page as as they transfer from my thoughts into my fingers and onto this screen.

Words have the power to heal, to inspire and motivate. Words can be soothing, encouraging, nourishing, and comforting. I love words, I love how they can make me feel, how they provoke my thoughts, tantalise my intellect, how I want to be lost in them and the meaning and intention they are sent to me with, and yet…

Words can also cut like a knife, they can be soul destroying, toxic, insulting and hurtful.

imagesPowerful on both levels

Without thoughts of the consequences that my come from the words being spoken or written to the person they are directed at, every action has an equal and opposite reaction – word exchanges can work on this principle too.

“It’s amazing how words can do that, just shred your insides apart”

“The tongue has no bones but it is strong enough to break a heart”

So why do some people use them so flippantly?

I was told this week that people say mean things when they are hurt and upset, everyone does……

I don’t

Perhaps thats because I have been on the receiving end of hurtful words from someone who should never say hurtful things to me – my impossible mother. I love her and many times she has said beautiful words to me and yet the ones that hurt I never forget those words, they stay with me and that have made my sensitivity to  hurtful words like a windscreen with a hairline fracture and if a tiny stone hits that hairline fracture the whole panel of glass will shatter into a million pieces and it cant be put back together.

Once you have said something with the power to wound someone it is impossible to unsay it. I am now very intolerant of spiteful or malicious words, unthoughtful words, unnecessary words – I find it hard to accept them in any situation, temper, upset, stress, and I would never ever retaliate with words that can wound, for I know the scars that they leave.

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A teacher I know uses this analogy in speaking to teenage girls who are saying spiteful and mean things to each other.

” If I take this piece of perfectly flat paper all smooth and I screw it up into a ball it changes. If I unscrew the ball and ask you to make the piece of paper flat again without any creases in it you will find that you can’t. No matter how hard you try you can not put it back the way to was, the creases even if you iron them are still there. It is the same piece of paper but it will never be quite the same again.”

I love this analogy.

I wish people would be more careful with words, because in the right context they have such power, they create beautiful poems, stories and memories, they can move us to tears of joy, they can raise a smile – you can see people reading texts on the train or in a store – everywhere seemingly now and they are smiling, and you smile at them because you know someone has sent them something funny or beautiful and they are absorbing that very moment, present and consumed by someone’s words.

Shakespeare, Dickens, Hemingway, Fitzgerald, and in the modern day a personal love of mine Tyler-Knott-Gregson. These writers are all proof of the power behind words, the raw emotion, the artistic articulation, written or spoken and for years we have loved them re read them, tried to understand them, we have been moved by them, inspired by them,

When I think if you my heart falls like an autumn leaf

Spending time with you always makes me feel more balanced, calm and at peace – thank you

I love you so much, there aren’t enough words

Hasta ie proximo Mi amour

A poem or a thoughtful line written to you by someone special, a message in a card, in a bottle, on a text, or a handwritten letter sent in the post –  whichever way the words come to you or whichever way you send them,  remember once they have been heard or read they are

forever written,

archived.

 

 

 

Broken hearts Breakups and b******t

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Break ups are heartbreaking the term “Break up” means that something or someone is broken or some thing or some one is about to feel that breaking on some level physically emotionally, mentally.

I can vouch for this. I can also confess to being the one who causes the heart break to myself in allowing it to happen to someone else – we broke up – I broke him – I am broken. My heart breaks a little at every day things at times I guess I’m sensitive too in that respect much preferring to make peoples eyes and hearts smile.

I am not some serial breaker upper – I am a crowd pleaser I love to make people happy, create beautiful moments with people, and moreover have in the past been more concerned with their happiness than my own.  I believe in Love and the idea of it and consequently- I fall, fast and hard and if I fail – I fall faster and harder.

I don’t like to break things or people, can we get through life without being a little bit broken or breaking someone else whether we intend to or not? Do we need to feel heartbreak to appreciate what it feels to be complete, whole loved, and content?

It’s said if we don’t feel sadness we cannot appreciate the feelings of happiness, if we don’t feel the darkness we can never truly see the light.

Dancing through life

” Dancing through life, skimming the surface,

Gliding where turf is smooth”

These are lyrics from one of my favourite Broadway/West end shows – “Wicked”

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I have recently taken up dancing again – the reason – to get back to me and it’s already working. Like a drug but with the most wonderful side effects.

It is known widely that dancing improves brain function in many ways.  According to a recent article published in Psychology Today regular dancing and steady practice can help ‘train’ the brain against dizziness.

But learning dance steps, going through the moves slowly and then performing them over and over, also affects cognitive learning. Both mastering a sequence of dance steps and then repeating them requires a deep level of concentration.

Examining 23 studies over 15 different populations, researchers found, “small but consistent effects for improvement of well-being, mood, affect, and body image,” as well as some moderate positive effects on depression and anxiety in the dancers compared to those who didn’t.

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However what dancing does for me is more fulfilling on another level. It is an escape, a moment lost in time when I am being lead around a dance floor by a parter and consumed by the dance and nothing else. It’s a euphoric electricity that I feel coming out from somewhere deep within me and it makes me happy 🙂

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In my recent post on Love I talk (a lot) about connection.  I am looking forward to the day that I can dance with someone I have that connection with. Partner dancing – Ballroom/Latin  is an expression of self and of emotions, passion – the salsa, sex and intimacy – the rhumba, frustration and intensity – the tango, love and romance – the waltz.

and therefore I quote…

I wanna dance with somebody, I wanna feel the heat with somebody, yeah I wanna dance with somebody – with somebody who loves me…..

I have never been a truly trained dancer – if you’ve read my blog you will know that a proportion of my childhood memories are missing – and my earliest memory of dance is in fact a beautiful and a sad one,

I remember learning a dance at Miss Heathers dance school perhaps around the age of 4 years old – wearing a little cobalt blue leotard with a skirt on it learning “The Watering Can Dance”. I remember the wonderful feeling I got from learning a routine and endlessly practiced it at home – I felt like a dancer. My mum had this jug on the dresser at home – it was from Portugal or somewhere and was almost like a glazed pottery – I remember it was Brown and cream with writing on it. I carefully lifted it off the dresser to practice my watering can dance. My mum came in and saw me and wasn’t best pleased, she shouted and said Melanie if you drop that you will be in big trouble – I said I won’t mummy I’m practicing the watering can dance look desperate for her to watch me and then …

I dropped it.

In later life as part of an entertainments team in a 4 star hotel in Europe I danced routines to all sorts of music – west end style cabarets with rehearsals until 2am after a 15 hour day at work all for the love of dance – I’ve danced disco, pop and been a backing dancer – I love to dance and I don’t care who’s watching.

I get completely lost in dance – I can be in a large busy nightclub and hear one of my go to tracks come on and its like no one else is there – I’m totally lost in the moment and I have no concern over who is watching – cue Whitney Houston I wanna Dance with somebody…

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I have taken tap dancing classes, line dancing classes – even a pole dancing class I have been on stage – being a paid performer and on my own stage on nights out, and now I am back in the ballroom – Dancing through life

I can’t recommend it enough for anyone looking to find that expression or try something new – many of the people I dance with are dancing through life for what ever reason and they are all having a great time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Soul Satisfying Connections

SOULMATES

Have you ever found a soul satisfying connection?

I posted the question earlier in the year on this very blog -what is love?  I questioned in that blog post how love could be interpreted and shown in different ways, I also question how powerful it is when it takes a hold of you and if it is really about Love or its something deeper – a soul satisfying connection, that could be confused with Love – recognising yourself in another person – that type of soul satisfying meeting is incredibly powerful –

I didn’t know quite how powerful until recently.

I have forever wondered about the feeling of being in love – and by that I mean really being in love – love at first sight – that all consuming I could not be without you kind of love, the where have you been all my life love, the love of Romeo and Juliet, the love that has been written about and demonstrated in the spoken word for hundreds of years, and I came to realise I haven’t experienced that ever.

Instant chemistry, connection and a meeting of souls that in an instant recognise each other

I know I have never experienced this because it came along and paid me a visit last weekend – a meeting, my soul recognising itself in another human being.

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25 Adorable - Flirty - Romantic - Sexy #Love #Quotes and PostersI have been thinking about25 Adorable - Flirty - Romantic - Sexy #Love #Quotes and Posters the words I would use to describe this feeling

Intoxicating

Heady

Intense

Soul recognising

Terrifying

 

This feeling is how I have always imagined it would feel but is so much more wonderful – The Notebook –  a film I refer to for my hedonistic, idealistic ideas of love –  a love that could last a lifetime, a love that is still there when the looks fade and the body changes because its truly about a connection –  a feeling that takes no effort at all, a feeling that I can’t quite comprehend – the feelings that have caused our species to write about “Love at First sight” “Soul mates” “The one” “when you know you know”

The love when you meet a person in a chance situation in your purest and rawest form and engage in the most energised, animated and interesting conversations with an eye contact that is so intense the other person can see right into your naked soul. At this point you don’t know what this is but its truly addictive and somehow beautifully suffocating.

Then there is the eye contact …..

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An eye contact like I have never ever known. When the conversation stops for a brief moment it continues in an unspoken  way – that makes me catch my breath and remind me to breathe – it reminded me of a quote I read once

“Life is not measured by the moments that take our breath away but the moments we are reminded to breathe..

This love – it has turned me into a daydreaming hopeless mess, lost in song lyrics and poetry coming from a part of my brain that has been waiting for this moment of recognition that this is it right here, this is what people talk about – and I genuinely believe only a handful of people are lucky enough to find.

The terrifying part…

“and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you”

Winded, bowled over, struck by some sort of internal and external force that feels so wonderful, so real, so natural  – but what if it’s gone as quickly as it came?

How will I cope without it, what if I don’t see him again? What if I never find this feeling with anyone else – I don’t want anyone else, I want this and I want him – how can I not?

It would be a truly sad and yet at the same time ironic thing to have lived a life and felt this love for however long or short – feeling i’m lucky enough to have felt it, truly felt it, experienced it and understand it, and because of its sheer power I remain grateful that it came to me and if i’m not lucky enough to be able to keep it I felt it – it happened – it really does exist.

What are your stories and experiences of love at first sight, finding that feeling and that connection? – please share.

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