I can’t fight this feeling anymore
When do you decide to give in to that feeling? To admit that you cant fight it anymore and that it isn’t going away? That murkiness and lack of clarity, – not quite feeling like yourself and not just for a day but for a sustained amount of days or even weeks. I feel it. I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit.
I have lost my mojo, my zest for life, my positivity, passion and drive. I question why, how and when did I become consumed by this fight going on in my head and my inner psyche. The normal positive life coach mentality I can usually summon up, a believer in the law of attraction, in positive thoughts, affirmations and mantras, I’m the person who pulls people out of holes and yet I’ve tripped and I’ve fallen into one and I can’t get out and it’s dark and cold and lonely.
In trying to verbalise this I said to a friend I just feel completely overwhelmed by my life – does that happen? Do people get that? Is life generally overwhelming? I mean I’m living out of suitcases staying with friends. have just got a divorce after 12 years with a great man ( as great as he was I realised it wasn’t for me any more and I needed to go and find myself) I am pending and comprehending a life changing move to the other side of the world, I am in a new long distance relationship have a poorly Mother and a serious debt….. is that any more than most people are trying to contend with on a daily basis? I’m not fighting a terminal illness I’m not being forced to evacuate my home or run from terror or communism.
So what is it? Is it just whether you choose to see the positives in all of the elements that overwhelm you instead of the negatives or is that simply irrelevant when you feel overwhelmed because that in itself is something else all together. Add to that the guilt I then give myself for feeling this way when there are people so so much worse off and I feel genuinely selfish and stupid.
I refuse to label this feeling. I wont go down the route of walking into a doctors office and declaring how sad I feel for I do not want to be labelled as depressed, it’s not me, it’s not in my nature, I cant be depressed I love life so much and people and adventures – ordinarily I do. At the moment I feel like I go out in a morning with a mask on pretending I’m ok smiling and acting – I’ve discovered in fact I am a great actress, until the odd day comes when I forget to put the mask on – and people are confused by my highs and then my periods of lowness – that makes two of us.
I am not sleeping soundly and I am having the strangest and I mean strangest dreams, I can fall asleep after exhausting myself in the gym but I wake up so tired like I’ve actually lived and acted out my dreams all night and struggle to be on form in the morning. Yet underneath all of this deep deep down I have that tiny part of me screaming out you are in control of this you can control this you can change it and them someone suffocates her pushes her back into the hole and that little voice is shut out and consumed by something more powerful, and I am powerless to save her.