So I shook the feeling for a bit (See previous post “I cant fight this feeling anymore) well I did and I won for a bit paraded around with the trophy all smug forgot I felt so low – it felt good – I felt better.
I had to support a friend in moving house and helping her on her low days as various elements of life were challenging her – plus I was also moving into the same house – temporarily renting a room so it was also in my interest to get things moving. Plus she has been a rock for me in the last 2 years of my post marriage departure and recent life meltdown – that’s a bit extreme and over dramatic but i’m feeling in that type of mood.
I’ve recently been feeling so lonely and you now where I’ve felt the most lonely – in social situations. Go figure that. I have tried to figure it out and have come to the conclusion that it’s indeed an amalgamation of things a Lemony Snicket style series of unfortunate events – or events that I choose and deem to be unfortunate – after all we read all the time that we are in control of our thoughts and emotions and can change our lives and mental state with positive affirmations – but you know what somedays it just doesn’t seem that simple or even straight forward.
Let me explain in some more detail the bouts of loneliness – it’s mostly in group or social situations and mostly with people of my age who are married – planning a wedding having babies – and thats what the centre of our conversations are about. I feel like because I am not (A) – getting married or (B) having a baby that what’s going on in my life is seemingly of no interest – like my spirit and soul belong in a different place and it’s that obvious.
I’m frustrated at my lack of enthusiasm for my friends situations – that brings on a self loading that disturbs me – I want to be happy for them – share their joy but I cant and I don’t know why. I’ve been married happily at first and been through and had all of the wonderful things that they are planning and organising – am I therefore a selfish cow because I had that and I decided to throw it away to change to have and be something different? Then there is my biggest fear of all
Am I becoming bitter? oh god no – that is like receiving some kind of fatal diagnosis from the doctor – I have a very bitter Mother and it breaks my heart to see and hear it ooze out of her – it is the absolute last thing I want to become, the very word chills me to the bone and I have thus refused and blocked it from entering my being for the last 34 years which is quite a mean feat given some of the things I’ve experienced.
So why cant I be happy for them why cant I get excited about baby showers and weddings and new houses and family time and blah blah blah? Is it because I am unhappy and unsettled – that seems like a bull shit kind of excuse to me – I’ve always been able to share in everyone else joy and find it for them when they have lost it – have I had my quota? Is that it – that I’ve worn myself out?
Im driving myself crazy – i dislike my demeanour – I tried colouring last night and got so angry at my colouring book I had to tell myself to out the pens down – what on earth is that all about? Ive tried meditation – I’ve tried yoga, I’ve tried reading, I’ve tried exercise – nothing. If I was a child Im sure I would have destroyed a supermarket display or had some sort of tantrum by now and been put on the naughty step or sent to bed – i’ve tried going to bed – cant sleep…..
So now I’m sat here in a beautiful but windy place – by the ocean watching the sun set and furiously tapping away on my Macbook – I’ve run away – we had a friend and her children over tonight and I can’t cope – oh cue selfish hatred for myself again – I’m so selfish I could have gone home and pretended I’m ok – no you’re right I couldn’t I’m terrible at that – I’ve tried to cry – had a little cry here on the way over now it’s stopped well thats that then.
This is a pretty view – and breathe…