I am 35 – Have I have turned into Bridget Jones? – Today would have been the perfect day for me to be sat in my pjamas with a bottle of rum ( I don’t like vodka) smashing out a drunken version of “Allllll Byyy Myyyseeeelllllllf” don’t  wanna be all by myself ANYMOOOORRRRRRREEEEEEEE!

Loneliness

Today has been a lonely day – I’ve done some great things today but it’s been one of those days where everywhere I look I see love – in families, couples and friendships and I currently feel a lack of love. I am away from my family and friends and the love I want and desire so much in a relationship isn’t currently available to me and I won’t settle for less so I settle for loneliness – geez – get the violins out….

 I happen to “love” Love.

I’m trying to think of this as a period of self soothing – like when you have to leave a baby to cry and soothe itself instead of picking it up all the time – I need to do this get through this – I am a confident independent woman! I wanted some time alone some time to fully understand who I am, how long should that take? Does anyone know?

I have been through the situations where I don’t feel like I fit anymore – newly married friends, consumed and overjoyed with happiness and babies. I’ve felt lonely in a room of people I love and care about – I’m Bridget and I need another Bridget – or a Mark Darcy or a Daniel Cleaver for that matter – right now either might bring some temporary relief.

Seriously though – why does society make us feel inadequate if we are single and independent at 35. Like we surely can’t want to be that way, why would we that’s ridiculous … Is it?

Currently apart from the pangs of loneliness, neediness and sheer lack of human touch – there are a lot of benefits to being Bridget, I come and go as I please, I don’t have to tidy up after anyone, I don’t have to be anywhere at any given time, I’m travelling around seeing new places, looking for new adventures.  I can spend all day on the sofa with a movie or in a coffee shop writing, taking a walk on the beach, hey if I wanted I could probably go on a date or two – but let’s say I don’t want that…. I am seriously that unusual?

Apparently there’s everything wrong with being Bridget Jones…

I met a man once, an older English Gentleman when I was working on a small caribbean Island. I had left my husband and ran away there to allow his broken heart to heal and to try and repair my own. Engulfed in the trauma of it all, lost, grieving, and numb I find myself sitting at my bar ( I was the manager) and this man started a conversation with me.

“What are you doing here?”

Me – ” I run this place, I am the manager”

“Yes I know that but what are you doing here all this way from home on this time island”

” Look around you it’s beautiful, the blue water, the people why wouldn’t I be here”

“You’re never going to meet anyone here”

” I don’t want anyone Im not looking to meet anyone thats not why Im here”

“Of course you do, everyone does, and you won’t meet anyone here”

” I dont, I’m managing fine just as I am here in this beautiful place”

“You know what they say about women like you? Women who don’t get married ad have children”

” I dont no please go ahead”

( wait for it here was his finale……)

“When you die on your headstone it will be engraved with – Returned unopened”

I process this for a millisecond whilst being flabbergasted by the sheer ignorance of the person speaking these words, what an unkind thing to say to someone, what a narrow-minded, judgemental, insular view of the world this man must have, and he continues….

“and I’ll tell you another thing” (he mouths the word “Black” in this sentence – on holiday on a predominately Black populated island) if you marry a Black person it won’t work, my son is with a Black girl – mixed race couples don’t work”

(in my head WOW)

“I’m telling you your parents won’t like it”

” Sir my parents couldn’t care less if the man I married was Black, Green, Blue, Pink or purple. Have a nice day”

Needless to say I didn’t engage in any further conversation with this man, I didn’t lose my temper at his insult nor did I retaliate, I felt an overwhelming sadness for his perception of life, humanity, his lack of understanding, his closed mindedness and sheer ignorance.

The same week a girl I met on the island in a similar conversation told me I would meet my husband in the islands, her and her friend met theirs while on holiday there and she patted me on the leg in a patronising, humiliating way, while saying ” It’s gonna happen for you” She felt so sorry for me because how could I possibly be single at my age?

Me again – Wow

On neither of these occasions did either of these people have any kind of idea that I was going through the biggest break up of my life having left my husband and life partner of 12 years – never did it enter into their tiny narrow minded brains that my heart was breaking and I was trying to find myself not a man. Never was there such bad assumptions made and acted upon in my presence.

Everyone has a story, perhaps in the end all we all really want is Love – just to love and be loved in return, but there will also be times when we need to find out who we are – without love – because that is the biggest lesson of all.

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